Well, I am not working. I thought I’d be watching Owen Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, so I took the time off. Now that Cait dropped her Tues/Thurs class, I have the days to myself. Work is extremely understaffed, but I decided I need this day for me. Although I will feel the appropriate measure of guilt, I will not be helping them out. I have things to do.

Today, I plan to start moving toys up to the second floor from the basement. That should be quite a workout. I also plan to try a Zumba exercise class with Caitlyn at the health club. I think it will be fun. We took a very fast-paced step class Tuesday, and yesterday I went 4.35 miles in an hour walking on the treadmill. I will also probably walk to and from Decky’s school to pick him up later. It’s supposed to be 53 degrees and sunny today.

This weather is so weird. It feels as though winter has just not happened, and spring is starting. The trees and shrubs are budding and the air has that moist fresh spring smell. If and when it ever does snow, we’ll be totally caught off guard.

What’s nice about Bill being out of town? Well, I get to watch TV and read in bed as long as I want. This keeps me out of the kitchen late at night. And I get to watch what I want. I found ‘Downton Abbey’ on Amazon prime so I’ve been really enjoying that. I also watched a new ‘House’ episode. That was great. I really never watch any TV except for Biggest Loser and Dexter, so this has been a treat.

Another big plus is that the house, though nowhere near clean, is so much easier to keep up. I don’t have to pick up after Bill, who is a walking hurricane. I also don’t have to cook if I don’t want to. Bill’s pretty flexible about that, but it’s nice to be able to cook what I want, or not cook at all. I took the boys out to a salad/sandwich restaurant with a groupon last night, and it was nice.

What’s not so good about Bill being gone? Well, of course I miss him. He’s my best friend and he’s so cute. And it can be a pain getting everything done by myself, but it’s not really that busy around here. I think the dogs and cat miss him. It is kinda lonely with just Decky and me rattling around in this big house. I don’t get scared, but it’s really quiet at night. I just feel more safe and secure with that man of mine around.

I hope Bill’s having fun, but I’m totally jealous he’s in Miami and I’m not. I feel a strong need to get away, even if it’s not to a sunny beach. I’m happy he finally started using the messaging feature on his phone. It’s kinda fun to have conversations with him that way.

Oh well. Back to my morning show. I’ll get to work on the basement in a little bit. I’ve got time.

Well, this time I wrote the same email to the school psychologist. And I copied Decky’s wonderful former teacher, Ms G. She called me right away, enflamed. She couldn’t believe he wasn’t already in the program. She must have lit a fire, because next thing you know, Decky’s being tested, and two other people who have worked with Decky told me they set the psychologist straight and told her this had to get done right away. Word travels fast! And today, the gifted teacher kept winking at me and beaming, saying it wouldn’t be very long before we knew, and thank you!

I swear, there are so many people in that school who just LOVE Decky. The one who doesn’t can just step off.

Ms G also asked me what else I was doing with Decky right now. When I told her pretty much nothing, she asked why not? She called me out in her soft way, so I got busy. I am working on an application to the summer gifted program at Northwestern University. I got Decky enrolled in the Duke TIP, which provides resources and online study programs for gifted kids. I called the local high school to see if there was a smart good kid who would teach Decky Scratch computer programming in exchange for community service hours and cookies. I tried, but I am just not bright enough.

So I feel like I’m getting something done for my boy. Who is right now patching a basketball so he can play with Brother.

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I have been working out many times a week lately. I bought myself one of those armbands that keep track of how many calories you burn, what your level of exertion is, how many steps you take, etc. I log my foods, and it tells me how much activity I need and get everyday. It’s pretty cool. I mess up a lot on my diet, but I do pretty well on the exercise. It keeps me accountable. Today Caitlyn and I took a step class, which was hard but fun. It had been over fifteen years since I took one, but it all came back to me pretty quickly. Now if my body would just not be so old and heavy. Thursday, we plan on taking a Zumba class. I saw a bunch of fat ladies taking the class today, so I know I can do it. It won’t be pretty, but I can do it.

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My husband will be fifty next month. But tomorrow, he is going to Miami for business, and will be running a 5k there. He’s excited. And as he keeps telling me, he’s in the best shape of his life. I would have to agree. I don’t want to be the fat one in the relationship though, so I better get to work.

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Stefanie and Kevin and the dogs will be moving in with us in March. I have so much to do to get ready! I have to clean out the storage room, move all of Owen’s toys up to the loft, paint the bathroom and bedroom, replace the door, put up a mirror, and fix the yard so Linus won’t get out. I am getting excited. I have always wanted all my family near me, and now it’s going to happen! I know there will be rough patches, but we all love each other and we all want the same things, so I know we can work anything out. The key, I think, will be to stay away from extremes. Keep everything steady and even-keeled. Give things time and see how everything shakes out.

We got nothin’ but time.

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Work has been very busy, and we’re always short-staffed. It’s been hard lately. But we just keep plugging away. My boss has hired a lot of new nurses, so it will start getting better soon. Then I’ll have to fight for hours. That’s okay. I can deal with that when it comes up.

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It’s been so dry here lately, that there’s a Fire Warning out. That means we can’t use the new firepit Caitlyn and Koby gave us for Christmas. Oh well. Soon enough.

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Stay tuned for more news as it happens.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to get the perfect gift for each person on my list. And this is an impossible task. I know this.

Just like I know exactly how to lose weight.

But do I use any of this important knowledge? No. I realize the people I care about don’t care if I even give them anything. I know they will be happy with whatever I select. So I shouldn’t stress about it so much. But I do, despite herculean effort, I still do.

In the end, I’ll either find the perfect gift, or give something I would like. I guess either way, it works.

I may have overcome my Christmas tree thing, but I don’t know I’ll ever be able to conquer this one. It is what it is.
Oh well.

Holidays kill me. I gain weight. I feel lots of pressure to bake, decorate, make everything perfect for my family. I always want to make things wonderful for them. But they don’t pressure me.

I do it to myself.

I’m working a lot of hours until December 19th, then I’m off until New Year’s Day. The big paychecks will totally balance out my luxurious time off. I will be able to enjoy Decky’s entire winter break with him. And Owen. And Ryan on his days off. And Caitlyn will be off school too. And Stefanie and Kevin and Dad will be out to visit after Christmas. I can’t wait!

I only have to get through the next ten days, then I can relax and enjoy. I will sleep in, stay in my jammies all day if I want to, take long walks in the cold, make cookies, watch my morning shows, read. I will have time to send out Christmas cards (maybe), shop for gifts, decorate the tree (when we get it). I will cocoon myself in the coziness of my home, surround myself with people I love, listen only to soothing sounds, do only good things for myself. I will take fun field trips with the kids, find new and different adventures, learn new things.

The intense stress I feel now is only temporary. I can get through this. My rewards are so great!

Ciocia Jan always had Christmas Eve at her house. We would always make sure Gram got the first present. Ciocia Jan’s parties had the most and best food: pancit, ginger beef, mostaciolli, ham, you name it, she had it. And the most and best desserts, too. She made us sing carols to all the neighbors and break open a pinata outside. She also had Santa come visit. I think she went all out because she loved us all so much. She wanted everything just right, and did her best to create memories and traditions we would always remember. Even though she was bossy, I’m thankful she did that for us.

I remember doing the paper routes with Timmy and Greg during the Christmas season. They would get tips, so it was fun. It was always cold and snowy but we didn’t care.

Getting the Christmas tree was always traumatic. I am still in recovery about that, but I’m getting better. Enough said.

We would go to midnight mass. I would sing in the choir. I wore a dress and nylons. One time I got dressed in my closet and ran into the door. Another time I tripped going into the church, ripping my nylons and skinning my knee. I always loved mass at Christmas. There was something special and mystical about being out in the middle of the night with many other like-minded people. The songs transported me. I still consider singing my way of praying, even if I don’t believe the same things I used to.

We used to watch all the Christmas specials: Bing Crosby, Bob Hope, Dean Martin, Andy Williams, Donny and Marie. I loved them. I feel bad they really don’t make specials anymore.

I remember making cookies ever-so-quietly in my tiny garden apartment while Stefanie was sleeping in the next room. I was watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” on my 9″ black-and-white TV with the volume at a whisper. I had a fresh-cut $10 tree someone brought me back from Wisconsin in their pickup truck. We were so poor, but it was one of the times I was the happiest.

I remember the first Christmas Eve I had to let Stefanie go with her dad. I was distraught. I couldn’t stop crying. Bill, who I had been dating for only two months, came over with some champagne and sat with me for a little while. I was so glad he did that. It meant a lot.

When the kids were little, Bill and I used to stay up very late Christmas Eve night putting stuff together. We’d eat a bag of M&Ms and watch Christmas shows.

I remember when we lived near Chicago, how we would stay put at our house and wear our jammies all day. We would open all our gifts, then Dad and Mom and Greg and Amy would come out. We would open more presents, then Bill would make big breakfast, and we’d all crash and nap wherever we landed.

One Christmas Eve, Orphie at four pounds of fudge while we were at mass. We put the kids to bed, and Bill and I stayed up watching the dog pace, vomit, poop, drink, and repeat all night. We were sure we’d have to tell the kids the dog was dead Christmas morning. But Orphie survived it.

We got Daisy on December 23rd. I kept her in the bedroom with me on night while I was wrapping gifts on the floor. We didn’t know each other well. I spoke to her words of love, and pet her gently. Suddenly, she took off and started doing crazy-laps all over the bedroom, tearing wrapping paper, scaring the bejeebers out of me. I think she was happy.

I remember the Fiber One Christmas. You’ll have to ask Bro about that one.

These thoughts of Christmases past comfort me. I have had so many good Christmases. There’s just so much love to remember.